Layers & Listening

When we interact with others it can seem that only the topic at hand is what’s being addressed.  We can so easily neglect the multi-layered nature of human experience.  A simple exchange can highlight so many different feelings, memories, needs, interpretations and contradictory experiences.  Isn’t it strange that we can feel both happy and sad at the same time.  “Bitter-sweet” is an apt term for the complex sense that reveals our layered experiences and responses to events, moments, people, films, etc.

Many conflicts arise between people, communities and nations on account of a familiar pattern, namely the one where we listen to a part of the communication or story and respond.  This seems natural and rather harmless.  The problem is that many different elements of the communication are yet to be revealed.  A principle called “full speech” is taught in Lacanian Psychoanalytic practice and it addresses the issue at hand.  Speech is an evolving process.  The person is revealing themselves through speech, not just to the other person, but to themselves.  Words have a power and potency to affect the user and allow new insights to evolve through the speech, ones that were not necessarily known prior to the act of speaking.

In communication, the most powerful tool one can use is to listen, patiently and fully.  I think of the adage that we were given two ears and one mouth to underscore the need to listen twice as much as we speak.  Usually we tend to talk far more than we listen.  One must understand that there is a message that needs to be flushed out, through the process, rather than making internal and often unconscious assumptions about the meaning of the words.  Our cultural tendency is to jump to conclusions and mentally finish the direction of speech for the other, then responding from our assumed understanding.  This bias is a primary foundation of misunderstanding and conflict.

Challenge:  Make a concerted effort to listen to someone, only asking questions from curiosity.  Help them clarify their speech.  Listen for what’s not being said, but might be read between the lines.  Ask them about it.