Invisible Mental Filters

We all believe we see the world the way it is.  It’s objective, factual.  And yet, we also somehow know that our perspective is inherently subjective; we can’t know objective reality.

It has been said that we don’t see the world the way it is, we see it the way WE are.  We see the world through our internal, and often unconscious, filters.  These filters are developed over our lifetime, particularly during our earliest years.  They are made up of so much information pertaining to how we have sensed the world to be, how we have sensed others to perceive our own selves and countless experiences laden with emotionality.  Our filters are fast acting, they fill in the blanks of our experiences.  When someone says “why did you do that?”, we fill in the blanks.  All the hidden meanings behind the words.  The tone, the intent, the implications of what’s been said, what it means about how we stand with this person.  Are we right?  Of course we are; our perspective in that moment is experienced as objective.  We mostly don’t even wonder if what we heard and the meaning we’ve made of it, is accurate.  It’s happening so quickly, so outside of our awareness; so unconsciously.  The fact that it is unconscious makes it nearly impossible to speak about and gain a more accurate and truthful perspective on what has really happened interpersonal.

Why do we not ask more questions about people’s intent or meaning?  Allow them to fill in the blanks?  Many relationships are less than satisfying because of our assumptions.  We believe what we think.  My favorite bumper sticker says, “don’t believe everything you think”.  It is getting at this ubiquitous problem that we over identify with our thoughts, we don’t have enough space between our “self” and our “thoughts”.  We think we are our thoughts.  We believe the habituated story lines that run through our minds without questioning them or even knowing that they could be questioned.  These thoughts/story lines become literal psychic lenses that cloud our perception.  The only way to take off our clouded and colored lenses is to begin to question our assumptions.  Ask questions.  Take the conversation deeper.

TRY: Before responding to your friend/partner/child, ask a question about what they mean.  Make sure you understood properly before you reply.

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